I should've made him diagram that sentence, a lot. You're darn tootin'.

OK, since Dave Barry isn't doing it anymore, I hereby nominate myself Mister Language Person.

Today, it's all about typing on the Internet...
...and how most of you out there suck at it.

I'm talking about grown adults who don't know the differences between "your" and "you're." If it's too much work to type "you're" then please type "ur" -- at least then I know you're abbreviating and not pig-ignorant.

A lot of you people seem to think that "alot" is a word. Here's a hint: No, it isn't. "Allot" is a word, but it's a verb.  I anticipate I'll have to teach this lesson a lot.

Lately, though, there seems to be a new language epidemic of "of" where it doesn't belong. The English language has these wonderful little contractions that have been around for centuries. They can confound immigrants and androids, but you'd think high school graduates could remember that "should've" is the contraction for "should have" and not "should of." The latter isn't shorter, and makes absolutely no sense.  "Should" is what my third-grade teacher called a "helper verb" and needs a verb to help.  "Of" isn't that verb. "Of" is a preposition, and needs a prepositional phrase, like "of mice and men."

Is that too much for today? I'll deal with "too" next time.